Twas the night before Christmas...

Written by Chris Caines

December 17, 2004 // 12 a.m.

Tags: #breen #chris-caines #column #g-man #gravity-gun #half-life-2 #headcrabs #poem #steam #the-night-before-christmas

Twas the night before Xmas, when all through the house
No PC was whirring; no keyboard, no mouse.
The CD’s were stacked on the table with care,
In hopes that a new game would soon be there.

The geeks were all nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of severing clean Zombie’s heads.
G-Man’s words echoed during their nap,
after blood and guts splattering into their lap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I readied the crowbar with intent to batter,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
When a sniper let loose and the window did smash.

The moon lit the beast, who had been laid low,
Cried out with a squeal and jumped up from below,
A headcrab leaped at me, it now was so clear,
A minature foe, which froze me with fear.

I leapt into action, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, he’d be dead by my stick.
More rapid than eagles, his cousins they came,
Zombies a-plenty, appeared in the lane.

“Oh SHIT, no FAIR! I’m all out of ammo!
And these boxes provide the very worst camo..”
I impaled an enemy into the wall,
And after my crossbow was no use at all.

To the gravity gun, and a barrel let fly,
With that several Zombies hurled into the sky,
I ran to the roof top, but the Manhacks they flew,
So I unloaded my shotgun into them too.

And then, blood sprinkling, I heard on the roof,
Running and shouting, I needed no proof.
As I drew up my weapon and spun quickly around.
More Combine solidiers leapt out with a bound.

Running they came, headcrabs crushed underfoot,
The corpses of which, all covered in soot.
They were dressed all in outfits of metal and black,
With dangerous weapons, set for attack.

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Their eyes, how they stared! Lifeless and scary.
So I threw a grenade, just as things got hairy.
They tried to escape but the bomb it did blow.
And scattered their bodies all out in a row.

A stump of a limb, unidentified teeth,
Were all that were left from my moment of grief.
I racked up my shotgun and climbed in the car.
When an antlion hollered at me from afar.

He was armoured and sharp, a right nasty thing.
I pulled out the crowbar, it clinked with a ding.
A wink of my eye, and a swing to the head.
I bludgeoned the beast and left him for dead.

I spoke not a word and went straight back to work,
..Got to the base and blew up the jerk,
I gave Breen the finger and, as I mused.
The G-Man appeared and made me confused.

I sprang out of my bed, it had all been a dream,
The computer was on, and had loaded up Steam.
I think I've been playing too much Half Life 2
I wonder if Gordon gets Xmas off too?

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