Here at the Realia Tourist Board we’d like to wish you a safe and pleasant stay in our little country. Please drive carefully and use pain medication responsibly, because it’s highly addictive.
There are two main towns in Realia, each with distinct character and places to visit.
Puerto Sombra, is the only town in the country fully controlled by the government and is sprawling colonial town offering plenty to see and do for those new to Realia. The main church is here, as is the only police station our great nation has, not to mention the offices of the national newspaper.
Puerto Sombra is also home to El Jaguar Negro, a small pub which, like all good bars, offers connections to large scale criminal organisations as standard, as well as hapless victims of assorted crimes looking for help. The Police Station on the other hand offers neither of these. In the event that you become a victim of crime yourself please be advised that wasting police time with such matters is likely to get you laughed at and you really should have picked up more guns at the Duty Free.
In the jungle pots of jam rain down as if excreted by flying jaguars
Unlike many colonial towns in Latin America, Puerto Sombra is noted for its almost entirely square architecture.
The second major town is Pueblo Faro. Controlled by the FAPC revolutionaries, this town shares much of the square architecture of Puerto Sombra but has no formal police force. Instead, there is a mechanic, Camillo, who can repair weapons for you so you can make your own enforcement arrangements. As with Puerto Sombra there is only one bar, the somewhat more upmarket Azteco, which is home to members of the foreign intelligence services, including the CIA.
Tequila and international espionage are just some of the highlights on offer in Pueblo Faro though! The town also offers many spectator sports, such as the local Helicopter Death Match league. At any given time above the city you might get to see government and guerrilla gunships engaged in this most traditional of Realian hobbies. Please be aware that the Realia Tourist Board takes no responsibility for any injury which may occur from watching these fights from directly below.
Realia's bus stops are known to commit random acts of explosion
For those who desire something different in a holiday than colourful local bars and airborne combat it can be pleasant to take a trip out and about into the countryside. It is important however to consider the following minor safety issues:
- All the native reptile, insect and mammal species in Realia will kill humans on sight. Please bear this in mind when attempting to photograph or feed them.
- Any body of water will almost certainly contain hungry man-eating piranhas. Please limit any activities in lakes or rivers to a maximum five second duration.
- Please be sure to park safely, as even parked cars have been known to kill careless pedestrians who have stumbled into them and the locals do not take kindly to inconsiderate drivers.
- It is important to remain awake and alert while driving, but it is more important that you never, ever stop between destinations in case your fuel supply suddenly vanishes.
- If you do find that you’ve run out of petrol it could be worth taking the time to complete a will or note to loved ones.
We hope you enjoy your stay in Realia and remember, if the worst does come to the worst, our fresh baked doughnuts cure bullet wounds.
Boiling Point: Road to Hell was a FPS/RPG released in 2005 which is remembered here for both it's ambition and the bugginess of the original release.