Twas the night before Christmas...

Written by Chris Caines

December 17, 2004 | 00:00

Tags: #chris-caines #column #g-man #half-life-2

Companies: #steam

Twas the night before Xmas, when all through the house
No PC was whirring; no keyboard, no mouse.
The CD’s were stacked on the table with care,
In hopes that a new game would soon be there.

The geeks were all nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of severing clean Zombie’s heads.
G-Man’s words echoed during their nap,
after blood and guts splattering into their lap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I readied the crowbar with intent to batter,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
When a sniper let loose and the window did smash.

The moon lit the beast, who had been laid low,
Cried out with a squeal and jumped up from below,
A headcrab leaped at me, it now was so clear,
A minature foe, which froze me with fear.

I leapt into action, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, he’d be dead by my stick.
More rapid than eagles, his cousins they came,
Zombies a-plenty, appeared in the lane.

“Oh SHIT, no FAIR! I’m all out of ammo!
And these boxes provide the very worst camo..”
I impaled an enemy into the wall,
And after my crossbow was no use at all.

To the gravity gun, and a barrel let fly,
With that several Zombies hurled into the sky,
I ran to the roof top, but the Manhacks they flew,
So I unloaded my shotgun into them too.

And then, blood sprinkling, I heard on the roof,
Running and shouting, I needed no proof.
As I drew up my weapon and spun quickly around.
More Combine solidiers leapt out with a bound.

Running they came, headcrabs crushed underfoot,
The corpses of which, all covered in soot.
They were dressed all in outfits of metal and black,
With dangerous weapons, set for attack.


Their eyes, how they stared! Lifeless and scary.
So I threw a grenade, just as things got hairy.
They tried to escape but the bomb it did blow.
And scattered their bodies all out in a row.

A stump of a limb, unidentified teeth,
Were all that were left from my moment of grief.
I racked up my shotgun and climbed in the car.
When an antlion hollered at me from afar.

He was armoured and sharp, a right nasty thing.
I pulled out the crowbar, it clinked with a ding.
A wink of my eye, and a swing to the head.
I bludgeoned the beast and left him for dead.

I spoke not a word and went straight back to work,
..Got to the base and blew up the jerk,
I gave Breen the finger and, as I mused.
The G-Man appeared and made me confused.

I sprang out of my bed, it had all been a dream,
The computer was on, and had loaded up Steam.
I think I've been playing too much Half Life 2
I wonder if Gordon gets Xmas off too?
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October 14 2021 | 15:04