EA releases new Star Wars RPG: The Rise of Rey
EA's handling of Star Wars games for Disney will result in exactly 1,523 Star Wars games released in 2016. Upcoming titles include Han's Raving Rathtars. Snoke's Snorkelling Simulator, and BB8's Basketball Challenge.
But the biggest Star Wars release of the year will undoubtedly be BioWare's The Rise of Rey, a deep and sprawling RPG that focuses on developing The Force Awakens' most significant character, Poe Dameron. The game sees Poe chased across the galaxy by the First Order after the events of the Force Awakens, accompanied by a ragtag party that includes Finn, BB8, Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2D2 and of course, Luke Skywalker.
Captain Phasma will assume the role as lead antagonist, featuring several hugely important syllables of dialogue, while there will be exciting cameos from Yoda's nephew and Spock. The game will conclude with a lightsaber battle between Poe and Darth Vader's ghost. It's a game intended to deliver a rich and compelling story that showcases everyone you know and love in the Star Wars universe, leaving absolutely no one out.
No Man's Sky literally features no men.
Precipitated by progressive attempts in film to give women maybe just a few role models that aren't hypersexualised personality vacuums, such as the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot, Hello Games will announce the bold and exciting move to have all of its galaxy-trotting explorers be female by default.
The move will cause consternation amongst exactly five men. But they will be very loud and on the Internet so it will seem more like five million. These five men will organise a boycott group called "No No Man's Sky," in an attempt to starve the developers of funds. No Man's Sky will go on to become the biggest-selling game of 2016. Its success will be entirely ignored by other mainstream publishers.
Gaming reboots and sequels finally merge into one, resetting the universe.
2016 will be the final year of the universe as we know it. The end is approaching, and so is the beginning. The cause? The final, inexorable delineation of reboots and sequels.
The first signs of media fusion will commence with the release of Hitman, which is the sixth entry in the Hitman series, and is both a prequel and a reboot of the adventures of Agent
47. It takes place before the events of Codename 47, but attempts to bring back the beautiful sandboxes of Blood Money. Upon its release, cats will merge with dogs and chase themselves in infinite circles - signalling stage one of Universal collapse.
Stage two will commence in May, with the launch of Mirror's Edge Catalyst, alternatively titled Mirror's Edge: Let's Try This Again. It retells the story of Mirror's Edge, along with some bits before and possibly after, but resets the game in a large open world, - the sort of thing a sequel would do. At this point, day and night will fuse into a kind of dull grey middle ground,
a phenomenon that will become known as "The Britain Effect."
The final stage will trigger upon the release of DooM, which is different from Doom because it has a bigger M in its name. DooM represents an attempt to bring Doom into the 21st century.
Again. Unlike Doom 3, however, this should be fairly straightforward, given that when the game launches all of time and space will condense into a single infinitely small point, causing a second Big Bang and a rebooting of absolutely everything. I know that sounds a bit rubbish, but look on the bright side, at least Donald Trump won't get to be President of the US.
Shadow Warrior 2 named game of the year.
I'm not even joking. It's going to be brilliant. Watch this space.